No. [He goes for honesty instead of lying, not wanting to make Isaac feel bad but also still so caught up in the fear of it all that he can't really help himself.]
Isaac, what the fuck? [It comes out quietly, his voices wavering on the last word, tears quickly collecting in his eyes again. He's not mad, at least not at Isaac, but he still wants to know what the hell he was thinking. He could have died. And that would have been it. Why wouldn't he just let Dagny handle it?] What if something happened to you? What if you -- [He can't even say it. Feels sick even thinking it. Breaking off with a hitch as he tries not to completely break down.]
Hey, it's okay-- [A soft little attempt at comfort. He tries to shift to get closer, then does his best to hide his wince at the pain that shoots through his leg, settling for just clumsily squeezing Dagny's hand instead.] Nothing did. I'm okay.
[Even though he's not actually sure how bad the damage is, it feels like the truth, he can clearly move and he's still breathing. His body heals from a lot. It can't be that bad.]
I'm sorry. [Quiet and genuine.] I just -- didn't want you to get hurt.
Don't move. Don't hurt yourself. [He moves himself closer when Isaac winces, trying to make up for whatever it was that Isaac was trying to do, his voice still thick with too much emotion.]
I heal. That's literally what I'm made for. I'm supposed to protect you. I would have been fine. [He feels like he's crying again even though he doesn't have anymore tears, his voice still cracking and wavering. This is so much worse than if he had been shot again. Isaac came close to not being able to walk, something else that would have been devastating for him. It feels unbelievable that they got that lucky, his anxiety still spiking from every nearmiss of the evening.]
You don't have to protect me. [Almost immediately. It's hypocritical enough that if he was a little more together, he'd at least put it better, instead of replying impulsively.
He runs his thumb back and forth against the back of Dagny's hand, opens his mouth, then stops, just trying to put things together to figure out what he's trying to say through the fog.] I wasn't thinking. I saw it, and I wanted you -- safe. I wasn't thinking about the healing or... or anything.
I literally vowed to do that. What else am I good for? [His voice sounds strained, the anxiety showing through as he argues against Isaac's rebuttal. And maybe it's a bit harsh to say he isn't good for anything else but what other reason would he have this power for if not to protect? Why is he putting himself through this, the pain, the fear, the healing, again and again if not because that is what he was made to do.
He tries to let Isaac's touch calm him, tries to settle his own nerves so that Isaac can rest, they shouldn't even be talking about this right now. Not in the hospital, not when he's only just woken up. He sighs slightly, still frustrated but trying not to be, his voice a little flat with how he's trying to hold back his emotion.] I'm always safe, Isaac. You don't need to harm yourself for me.
A lot of things. You already get hurt for other people enough. [And Isaac admires the desire to help people, honestly, especially now that he knows where it comes from, but -- he also knows that he'll bounce back in a way most other people won't. Not to the extent Dagny does, maybe. But enough that Dagny doesn't have to worry about him.
That's without even considering everything else Dagny does for him, everything else that he admires about him, he doesn't even know where he'd begin with that list.]
I didn't mean to get hurt. [It doesn't feel like much of a correction, but it seems worth pointing out. He didn't jump in there thinking he'd be hurt. He just didn't think about much of anything.] And I know you'll be safe eventually. But you still have to go through everything first.
[Not that it isn't also meaningful whenever he saves anyone, but Isaac is different. He specifically promised to protect him when they got married. If he can't do that, then his gift is pointless.
He stands up, pulling away from Isaac for a moment to pace the room again, moving up and down the length of Isaac's bed so that he's still close, just feeling too overwhelmed to keep sitting in the chair.
Realistically, he should have seen this coming after he got shot. Isaac said that he was fine with it as long as Dagny came back to him, but he should have known that wasn't actually the case. He can't do his job properly if he's always concerned about Isaac getting in the way. He can't run to danger if he can't trust Isaac to let him go. It wasn't supposed to be like this.]
I thought you understood. I thought you knew that's what I do. You were supposed to be okay with that.
[His confusion is genuine, and only partly because of his current state. He doesn't see where trying to keep Dagny from getting hurt means he's not okay with it if it happens.]
[It hasn't yet occurred to him that there is some miscommunication going on. That Isaac was trying to keep anyone from getting hurt, not stopping Dagny from saving someone. Dagny just feels that by getting in the way, Isaac doesn't trust him to be able to do his "job," that now Isaac feels he needs to protect Dagny, which makes putting himself in danger difficult.]
You don't have to get shot to protect people. [There's some frustration in his voice now, not so much at Dagny as at the fact that Isaac feels like he's missing something.]
[Oh. That he does understand. He stops in his pacing, standing near the foot of the bed, quietly breathing for a few moments.] Okay, fine. Sure, sometimes...I might be a tad bit too impulsive with my tactics.
Sometimes. [An echo. He swallows, bringing his hand up to scrub at his face, just trying to put the words together clearly.] And that's okay. If you come back. But I never saw it happen before. I didn't -- I wasn't thinking.
[He watches Isaac quietly, all of the frustration leaving him when he sees how much Isaac is struggling to even talk about all of this. He shouldn't have brought it up right now, maybe not even at all.] It's okay. We can talk about it later...I'm just glad you're alright. [And he does sound glad, even if the smile he tries to give is a little strained. Whatever other emotion he's feeling, it isn't worth arguing about it now.]
[He can't really decide if that's a relief or not. He doesn't really want to keep arguing about it at all, and it'd be nice to just be done with it, but he's also struggling right now. The pain is getting sharper the more the drugs are wearing off, his breathing a little more shallow now, voice a little bit thin when he finally answers.] Okay. Yeah, that's fine.
[He drops his hand, eyes closed, just focusing on trying to breathe through the pain instead once he doesn't have to talk anymore.]
[When he realizes just how much Isaac is struggling, he mentally berates himself for being so cruel to bring it up at all. His feelings don't matter right now, all that matters is the man in front of him, and he is clearly in pain.] Do you need the nurse? Did they give you a drip or anything? You shouldn't be in this much pain. [His hand already reaching for the call button before he gets a response. Whatever they gave him, it's obviously not enough.]
I don't know. It takes a lot for things to work, sometimes. Maybe it wasn't enough. [Mostly Dagny's only seen it with drinking, Isaac can get pretty far before he starts really showing any sign it's hitting him, but it holds true for a lot of other things too. That's forgetting the stuff that flat-out doesn't work on him. He hasn't really used a lot of medication since coming back, but it wouldn't be a surprise to find out it stands for that too.
He frowns a little, looking at the actual equipment around him for the first time before coming up with a button, looking at Dagny as if to verify that's what he's talking about.]
Alright, then we ask for more. They have to have something that would work for you. [He's not actually sure that's the case but it sounds good, and he'd be more than happy to take his stress out on someone else, especially if it was to get Isaac care. (Probably not entirely true, he'd likely feel bad if he was rude to anyone, no matter how stressed he is).
When Isaac lifts up the button, he nods.] Yeah, press it. It's a smaller dose so you can get it more frequently, that way there isn't any lapse between doses. [He takes Isaac's free hand again, giving it a squeeze.] Press it until you don't feel pain anymore.
Right. [He remembers, he's been on the other side of this, sort of, but it's very clear he's not used to being in this situation himself. He'll pause after the first couple of presses, squeezing Dagny's hand gently, before he adds quietly:] If you need to go or anything, that's okay. [It sort of feels important to say it now, because he's not sure how much it's going to take before he feels any better, and he's not sure if he'll be able to fight his unhappiness about it if it sends him for a loop.]
I'm not leaving. [Just like Isaac was adamant not to leave him, he doesn't plan on going anywhere. He squeezes Isaac's hand back, covering it when his other hand and rubbing along his knuckles. Even if he was upset earlier, it doesn't change how much he loves Isaac, he's not going to leave him while he's in the hospital.]
Okay. [There's some relief there despite himself, even as he goes on. He'd rather have Dagny with him, he makes things feel safe and right now that feels sorely lacking, but still.] Just letting you know. If it comes up. [He draws his thumb over Dagny's wristbone, adds quietly:] I love you.
I love you too. [Said with a lot of emotion behind it. Hoping that Isaac knows that was never in question.] I just got scared. I'm not on this side of things often. [Literally never.] But I love you so much. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten upset. [It's clear he's still feeling the anxiety of the day, his emotions bouncing around faster than he has time to process anything. Frustration turning to exhaustion, turning to disappointment with himself for how he's handled it all. He's being a horrible husband, on all levels.]
You can be upset. It's okay. [Matter-of-fact. He relaxes a little bit as the medication starts to kick in with the next press, the edge of the pain beginning to dull, offering Dagny a slight, tired smile.] Everything's going to be fine. I've got you.
It's not okay. Maybe when you're better I can be upset, but not right now. [He smiles slightly, a small one, but more genuine, especially as Isaac seems to relax.] Okay. You've got me. [He lifts Isaac's hand to his lips again, pressing another kiss to his knuckles.]
[He shakes his head, but he's apparently committed to not arguing anymore, because he doesn't actually say anything. He won't blame Dagny for being angry, or being scared. It's exhausting to be on that side of things. Not that this is much better, either.
He tugs gently at Dagny's hand at the kiss, a silent request for him to come closer, his thumb passing back and forth over the side of his hand.] Yeah, I do. [Quiet and pleased.]
[At the tug he moves closer, making sure he isn't going to nudge Isaac or tug any tubes out before sitting on the bed facing him. He takes one of his hands back so he can use it to push Isaac's hair off his forehead, leaning up to kiss the space on his head he exposed, talking quietly.] Okay...just don't do it again. Please.
[His voice cracks again on the please. He can understand where Isaac was coming from, just seeing danger and acting on impulse, after all, that's literally ninety percent of how Dagny handles all his problems. He just can't bare to be in this position again, still feels like it's not actually real, like he could wake up and Isaac will be gone. He doesn't usually get this lucky.]
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2025-03-20 08:26 am (UTC)Isaac, what the fuck? [It comes out quietly, his voices wavering on the last word, tears quickly collecting in his eyes again. He's not mad, at least not at Isaac, but he still wants to know what the hell he was thinking. He could have died. And that would have been it. Why wouldn't he just let Dagny handle it?] What if something happened to you? What if you -- [He can't even say it. Feels sick even thinking it. Breaking off with a hitch as he tries not to completely break down.]
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Date: 2025-03-20 08:36 am (UTC)[Even though he's not actually sure how bad the damage is, it feels like the truth, he can clearly move and he's still breathing. His body heals from a lot. It can't be that bad.]
I'm sorry. [Quiet and genuine.] I just -- didn't want you to get hurt.
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Date: 2025-03-20 09:19 am (UTC)I heal. That's literally what I'm made for. I'm supposed to protect you. I would have been fine. [He feels like he's crying again even though he doesn't have anymore tears, his voice still cracking and wavering. This is so much worse than if he had been shot again. Isaac came close to not being able to walk, something else that would have been devastating for him. It feels unbelievable that they got that lucky, his anxiety still spiking from every nearmiss of the evening.]
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Date: 2025-03-20 09:48 am (UTC)He runs his thumb back and forth against the back of Dagny's hand, opens his mouth, then stops, just trying to put things together to figure out what he's trying to say through the fog.] I wasn't thinking. I saw it, and I wanted you -- safe. I wasn't thinking about the healing or... or anything.
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Date: 2025-03-20 10:06 am (UTC)He tries to let Isaac's touch calm him, tries to settle his own nerves so that Isaac can rest, they shouldn't even be talking about this right now. Not in the hospital, not when he's only just woken up. He sighs slightly, still frustrated but trying not to be, his voice a little flat with how he's trying to hold back his emotion.] I'm always safe, Isaac. You don't need to harm yourself for me.
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Date: 2025-03-20 10:32 am (UTC)That's without even considering everything else Dagny does for him, everything else that he admires about him, he doesn't even know where he'd begin with that list.]
I didn't mean to get hurt. [It doesn't feel like much of a correction, but it seems worth pointing out. He didn't jump in there thinking he'd be hurt. He just didn't think about much of anything.] And I know you'll be safe eventually. But you still have to go through everything first.
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Date: 2025-03-20 10:51 am (UTC)[Not that it isn't also meaningful whenever he saves anyone, but Isaac is different. He specifically promised to protect him when they got married. If he can't do that, then his gift is pointless.
He stands up, pulling away from Isaac for a moment to pace the room again, moving up and down the length of Isaac's bed so that he's still close, just feeling too overwhelmed to keep sitting in the chair.
Realistically, he should have seen this coming after he got shot. Isaac said that he was fine with it as long as Dagny came back to him, but he should have known that wasn't actually the case. He can't do his job properly if he's always concerned about Isaac getting in the way. He can't run to danger if he can't trust Isaac to let him go. It wasn't supposed to be like this.]
I thought you understood. I thought you knew that's what I do. You were supposed to be okay with that.
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Date: 2025-03-20 11:02 am (UTC)[His confusion is genuine, and only partly because of his current state. He doesn't see where trying to keep Dagny from getting hurt means he's not okay with it if it happens.]
I didn't -- did I try to stop you?
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Date: 2025-03-20 11:21 am (UTC)[It hasn't yet occurred to him that there is some miscommunication going on. That Isaac was trying to keep anyone from getting hurt, not stopping Dagny from saving someone. Dagny just feels that by getting in the way, Isaac doesn't trust him to be able to do his "job," that now Isaac feels he needs to protect Dagny, which makes putting himself in danger difficult.]
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Date: 2025-03-20 11:29 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2025-03-20 10:34 pm (UTC)[He drops his hand, eyes closed, just focusing on trying to breathe through the pain instead once he doesn't have to talk anymore.]
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Date: 2025-03-20 10:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-20 10:51 pm (UTC)He frowns a little, looking at the actual equipment around him for the first time before coming up with a button, looking at Dagny as if to verify that's what he's talking about.]
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Date: 2025-03-20 11:00 pm (UTC)When Isaac lifts up the button, he nods.] Yeah, press it. It's a smaller dose so you can get it more frequently, that way there isn't any lapse between doses. [He takes Isaac's free hand again, giving it a squeeze.] Press it until you don't feel pain anymore.
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Date: 2025-03-21 01:20 am (UTC)He tugs gently at Dagny's hand at the kiss, a silent request for him to come closer, his thumb passing back and forth over the side of his hand.] Yeah, I do. [Quiet and pleased.]
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Date: 2025-03-21 01:34 am (UTC)[His voice cracks again on the please. He can understand where Isaac was coming from, just seeing danger and acting on impulse, after all, that's literally ninety percent of how Dagny handles all his problems. He just can't bare to be in this position again, still feels like it's not actually real, like he could wake up and Isaac will be gone. He doesn't usually get this lucky.]
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